5 Things Your Son Needs You To Do For Him
Guest Post by Hillary Gruener - Writer for Word From The Bird Blog
Loving our children comes easy for most of us, but is how we show our kids love translating to their love language? In other words, is their understanding of your love, what you’re intending it to be?
Most moms, when it comes to their boys, have a special bond—I know I do with my sons. There is a reason the problematic mother-in-law has become reality for a lot of women who have married men that have a “good” relationship with their moms.
Mom’s are protective over their sons, just like a father to his daughter. But there is an unhealthy “bond” that we need to be aware of, and it can begin to form from the minute our little peanut comes into the world.
Loving our son’s doesn’t mean smothering them, doing everything for them, or always and forever being the apple of their eye. Sure, some of you may want to hold them close and NEVER let them go from the moment they are born.
We want to give, do, and be everything they need. But just remember, that is NOT what they need, and frankly put you will, in the long run, be hindering them in many ways.
Our maturity in this will make all the difference in their life. If there is one thing you take from this—as a mom, you have a lot of power in how your son see’s himself.
Being a parent holds a lot of responsibility. You will, on some days, fail miserably. But that’s okay because one of the first things your son needs from you, is for you to admit when you’re wrong.
What a son needs from his mom
He needs you to admit it when you’re wrong.
If there is one thing I have learned from parenting, it’s that I am not perfect. I screw up…probably on a daily basis. But if I want for my son to recognize and realize he doesn’t always need to be perfect, then I need to show him that I am most definitely NOT.
I don’t remember at what age I started implementing this into our parenting, but I think it was around when he began to learn how to take responsibility for his own actions.
By modeling an apology and showing him what it means to be sorry, then he can for himself, learn this. Not only does an apology teach them to take responsibility, if we teach them correctly, they can, from this, learn that it’s okay to fail.
WHY DOES HE NEED THIS FROM YOU?
If you can start thinking into your sons future, think of how the things you teach him will someday benefit his life. In this instance, teaching him humility and acceptance in the fact that he won’t always be perfect, will enable him to have humility in his friendships, employment, marriage, and fatherhood. Why is humility good?
Simply put, if he has humility, many good characteristics will follow suit .
Selflessness, courage, kindness, respect, honesty, and many other qualities all stem from humility.
In 1 Peter, we are reminded…”All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. “
Your son will be able to accept that he isn’t perfect, as well as take responsibility for his actions, from us as his mother, admitting when you are wrong.
Humility isn’t hating yourself or feeling guilty for every mistake you make. Guilt should never be a motivation to get your child to do something you want them to.
Humility is learning that in this life, we will experience more joy when we put others before ourselves. It is freedom from pride or arrogance. It is accepting your circumstances, no-matter what. It’s admitting that you don’t always have the answers, and that’s okay.
2. He needs you to let him go and let him fail.
Why did you have children? Was it to make you happy or fulfill some kind of purpose in your life?
While I believe that our children bring us joy and happiness, this is a mere byproduct of the many reasons one should have a child. It’s important to realize that our child’s sole purpose on this earth is not merely to bring us joy, fulfill our happiness, or even our purpose.
Their purpose is to become their own person and fulfill what God would have them do with their lives. Our children are God’s and not ours.
That being said, when we don’t “let go” at appropriate ages throughout their adolescence, as well as their adult life, we are using our children for our own selfish desires and, in the end, hindering the plans that God has for their lives.
When you hold on too tightly to your adult son who is married, and want to dictate or have an opinion in the decisions he makes, you are going against the commandment that God set in place for the health of your son’s life and marriage—to leave you and cleave to his wife.
In a recent Spiegel article—German weekly magazine—there was a story written about a teacher who believes that people who have children are only having them for selfish reasons; to satisfy their own selfish desires.
Her conclusion—children are better off not being born.
Although her motives in advocating against people fruitfully multiplying are purely economical—which I don’t agree with—she makes a very good point.
People are having children to satisfy their own selfish desires.
When we understand that having children is a blessing, not only because it brings us joy but because it’s fulfilling a commandment made by God, we can more clearly understand that letting go of control in our children’s lives is necessary, not only for their well being, but for ours.
One of the hardest things about being a parent, is knowing that you ultimately aren’t in control of your child’s well being, or life. Because of the strong love that we are equipped with to love our children how they need, we are also faced with a struggle alongside that beckons a very real fear that they could be taken away at any moment.
The very thought of my child being taken away, hurt, or killed, burns a fire inside me so hot that if I let it linger, I might just explode in agony. If you are a mom, you know this feeling.
Many days, I struggle to say, ‘God, yes, you are in control, and that’s okay.' I know that God could allow—not cause—my son to die or get sick. It’s terrifying. And to say that I succeed in this everyday would be a lie.
In my selfishness, I want always and forever for my children to never suffer. But ultimately, that’s not up to me.
This also ties into a less heavier aspect, and that’s letting go of him when it comes to everyday things. A boy needs to experience adventure, and when we continually want to keep him safe, he won’t be able to.
Within reason, it’s important for our sons to fall down, get a scrape, venture out on his own, etc.
This also beckons another aspect that is hard to let go of as a mother, and that’s letting our boy’s fail.
Statistics say that children who are constantly told what to do, in other words, parented by helicopter moms, won’t be able to finish tasks or make responsible decisions.
When we allow our kids to fail, we will show them a few things, including…
Failure is OKAY—they don’t need to be perfect
The beauty of success when they aren’t urged to try again themselves
Knowing they are capable of seeing something through
Looking to God for help and wisdom
That discomfort is sometimes a necessary tool God uses to grow us
If we surrender our children to the fact that we are not in control of everything that happens to them, we will experience a lot of freedom, as well as help them to make choices for themselves, and learn the consequences of those choices.